the condom got lost in my hair
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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