im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Everclear isn't food dammit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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