Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
