Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Jerry, you need to find god
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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