i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
