she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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