He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
