I wish my penis had an off switch
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
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