If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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