Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
