I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
