whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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