Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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