Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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