just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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