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You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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