Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
