dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
