I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
