You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
