I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
