you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
