"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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