Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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