I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
