cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
