I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
