Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
