You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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