I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
