wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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