Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
