hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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