I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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