I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
