My cat gives me a boner
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
soo... how was my night?
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