Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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