Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
