I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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