2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
jump out the window naked night went bad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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