I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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