I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Your cock deserves a montage
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
