Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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