If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
