I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
