Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
