dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
