he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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