Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
