my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
