I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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