well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I deserve this hangover.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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