My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
