I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
