Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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