If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
